So, I have a confession to make. I've been totally out of the church loop for the last three weeks. About two days ago my friend Emmy texted me and said "do you have somewhere to go for Ash Wednesday? 'Cause you can come with me if you want!"
I had totally forgotten about it.
When it comes to Lent, my first reaction has always been that of most Christians I know: "oh my gosh, now I have to find something to give up." The first time I gave something up for Lent I was fourteen, and I gave up meat. I still remember how, in one of the first days declaring my allegiance to the school's salad bar, a boy I had a crush on came up to me and said "oh, do you not eat meat either?" I said no, I didn't, and he asked why. I told him I'd given it up for Lent. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed, "that's cool, I guess."
But it was so not cool. I didn't really talk about why I stopped eating meat for the next forty days. Among many people my age, those who are part of organized religion are generally thought of as either insanely evangelical (and therefore terrifying) or backward and intolerant (which tends to put people on the defensive). Since I've come to accept that my belief in God has almost nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that a loving God exists and wants to use me for good in the world, I've attempted to be the kind of person that is of the faith, and yet not in everyone's face about it all the time. It's a hard line to walk, because half the time I feel like I'm not speaking when I should, and when I do speak, I do it with a fear of being thought of in a negative way. My fear and sense of self-preservation gets in the way of being "all that I can be," as they used to say in the 90s.
So anyway, since then I've given up a lot of things for Lent, from biting my nails to using God's name in vain, and this year I felt stumped. A quick google search told me that other people were running out of ideas as well. There are all kinds of websites out there telling you what you should give up! But I also found a couple of articles that talked about why we give things up for the Lenten season. One article in particular pointed to what Jesus says in Luke 9:23 -
"Then he said to them all: 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.'" (NIV)
So if Lent is all about denying yourself, then giving up things like meat or chocolate make sense, from one point of view. You're denying yourself something that you enjoy. But (this article argued), what if denying yourself actually meant denying your self-ish-ness. Denying the part of you that thinks you are the most important thing. Setting yourself aside in favor of serving God and neighbor. That sounds more like a plan Jesus could go for. I mean, he said that what he ate didn't matter, so why should we dwell on it?
But when I think about how I can let go of my self in favor of God and others, it seems like there are so many options, and I get a little bit overwhelmed! At the Ash Wednesday service tonight, we did a longer version of the confession of sins, and within that list alone I can think of six or seven things that I know I could do better.
Aside: That's actually a major problem I have when Ash Wednesday comes around - I feel like so much of it is about being sorry for the ways we've messed up, but to me an apology doesn't mean anything if you don't also promise to try to do better next time. And there are so many things to do better at, that I get caught up in planning the ways I'll be better during the prayers!
Here are the major things I felt sorry for tonight: my self indulgence when others in the world go hungry, the way I fail to share the faith when the right moment comes up, and the way I've slacked off on keeping up my side of my relationship with God lately by allowing other things to get in the way.
Here's what I'm going to do about it: Firstly, for the 40 days of Lent, whenever I feel the urge to go to the store specifically to buy junk food (this happens almost every night around 10pm), I will instead put the money I would have used aside, and at the end I'll donate it. Secondly, I will try to be braver and more vocal about talking about my faith, especially with the people who I know don't mind. I have a few friends who I know don't feel negatively about me talking about what I believe, so that's a good place to start. I know this isn't quantifiable or especially large, but baby steps are important. Thirdly, I've allowed friends, laziness, bad planning, obsessions, the internet, and various other things to distract me from getting to church on Sunday, from being involved in church community activities, and from finding a new home church up here in the Cities. No more! For Lent, I'm giving up excuses and the things I'd really like to do for the things I need to do, because I have a deep thirst for prayer and study and God that won't get taken care of unless I make it a priority. Again, this isn't necessary quantifiable, but it means that the minute I say to myself "ok, I'll just stay another few hours and be extra tired for church," I'll be honest with myself and say "if you do that you know you won't actually get up. Go to bed now."
These are the things I'm going to work on; helping others, and strengthening my relationship with God. But I'm also trying just let Ash Wednesday be what it is; a day of repentance, and remembering that none of us are perfect, but that God loves us anyway.
I hope you remember this always, and I pray that you're all having a blessed beginning to the Lenten season!
