Is It All Coming Together?

This is just a quick post, because tonight at church I felt like something was slipping through me, and I want to remember it. I've had a couple of moments in the past few days that have centered around kids, and that pulled something inside me that I can't ignore.

• Last night I had a very vivid dream about a boy who looked about 8 years old. He was standing on train tracks, facing me, and singing a song about a goat that he'd owned, that was his favorite, that he knew would feed his family when it grew, but the goat was killed by a group of angry men, and now he didn't know what would happen. He was scared, and sad, and was trying to tell me why.
• I remembered a story in the book on compassion that I read over Lent, about a woman named Christina Noble who grew up on the streets in Northern Ireland, and who had a dream about helping children in Vietnam after the war. Her story has been sticking in my mind lately.
• Tonight, Pastor Mary at Bethlehem Lutheran read a couple of children's quotes from "The All Better Book," by Suzy Becker. One came from a boy named Brian, who, when asked "with billions of people in the world, someone should be able to figure out a system where no one is lonely. What do you suggest?" answered, "sing a song. Stomp your feet. Read a book. Sometimes when I think no one loves me, I do one of those." I almost started crying, partly because I felt what Brian felt, and partly because I don't want any kid to ever feel like they're not loved. It's so basic, and so necessary.
• I've been thinking a lot about my theory that the best way to overcome fear and/or anxiety (at least for me) is to find something I want more than I'm afraid of it. Does that make sense? For example, I may be afraid to fly or to travel to someplace new, but my desire to see the mountains and rivers of New Zealand was stronger than my fear. Keeping this in mind, I've recently discovered that when I'm around people who need help, I am more courageous than I would be if it was only ME needing help. My desire to protect others is stronger than my fear for my own well-being in almost every situation where other people are directly involved. For instance, when I'm traveling and I get panicky, I try to find someone who looks more scared and lost than I am, and I think about protecting them, and that somehow makes me less anxious. What I'm saying here is that not only am I beginning to think that there's a reason my brain works this way, but that there's good sense in my using this unusual spark of courage in the service of protecting and helping kids who can't help themselves. Maybe I should be concentrating less on what my anxiety keeps me from doing, and instead see what it makes me good at.

While I'm full of a very clear certainty that I'm supposed to go to Luther, up until now I haven't had much of an end-game in mind in terms of what I'll do when I graduate. I signed up for the Youth and Family Ministry masters program because I knew I like working with kids, but the whole blurry idea is just now starting to crystallize in my head into a more complete picture. I can still only see outlines, but I feel like I keep getting these hints, and to be honest, I'm kind of enjoying the scavenger hunt.